frankly
it's been a while. ive been busy with school.
and trying to study.seriously study. i dont understand alot and it's getting to me. frankly im tired yet i strive on silently not expecting anything and anyone to know. cause it is insignificant to others. for no world revolves around mine, only mine. it's a selfish protective thot.
i may believe that maturity is defined as saying/doing the right thing at the right time. but frankly i fall short of that standard more often than not. i often wonder perhaps due to i never can understand the ideology of maturity. or maybe im downright dumb. it could be the intersection of both perhaps? i hope one day the God of reality, the motor mouth of justification slaps me straight in my face and tells me to wake up and look around at the four walls screaming out at you.
reliance is unachieveable unless u learn to let go. i dont understand this statement but it came to me while stonning at the bus stop just now.
current state of me : super-nerd-wannabe-lazy-bum-naturally.
my papers are in 2 weeks time. fucking shit.
rattles and chants, words and rhymes. perhaps i am able to say it all. but talk to me is cheap. actions are something that should never be lead by words, but actions commanding yr personality.
i do think sometimes i motor mouth till the extend of irritation. sometimes i wonder why i even talk nonsense since, to be honest i dont enjoy talking nonsense.
people often do the opposite of who or what they really are. is it contridiction, or plain stupidity? or is it just a facade which many place lyk a veil infront of their inadequacies. many possible sch of thots. but lets face it. it's always easier to be negative. i would think so? (am not being generic)
but i know something that's tough. it's tough to swallow pride. it's tough to swallow pain. and most importantly it's tough to swallow yr feelings. hiding is just temporary placing it away. but they do come back, back to haunt. swallowing would be forever placing in the belly of darkness, never to come back out again. it's tough. tough to know when you try the very best, and having to deceive yourself.
perhaps a certain pal of mine words are true. ill qoute cause he argued with me saying that i kept qouting him when i didnt. that freaking ego mogo.
"which is kinda ironic..cuz everyone craves a little recognition for the effort you put in, a little appreciation, a little love returned.and
therein lies the bigger lie..that we don’t want anything in returned.."
the bold is the point? i often argued that there's such a thing as loving without a return. cause belief in that there's such a love. sucha a love lyk a mother sarcrificing that little bit so to ensure that the son doesnt go cold, doesnt go hungry. but is that only in the christmas and children stories conjured up by naive and ignorant people whom choose to live in the little world of fantasy? i have to wonder. still i believe. that it's achievable, doable and most importantly not impossible. yes we can.
if you realise that this post totally has no linkage between paragraphs yes ure correct cause somehow my thots have be diversed into many odd segments that results in absolutely no linkage between any. randomization wouldnt be appropriate but close to defining.
but. the main part of my brain (frontal lobe i figure? hopefully), is screaming out one simple single thought that, somehow im still a kid and somehow, no matter how hard i push and strive, i'm never going to be anything more than a kid. naive little kid. : )
still, just like a kid, that smile i seek at half past nite in the morn still adds that extra shine in this some what dull boring life.
2 days to xmas peeps : )
expectation often leads to disappointment.
if you have no expectation den you wouldnt have any disappointments?
does tat make sense?
i dont like to disappoint others.
thus wld that mean i have to have no expectation in myself or others?
wouldnt that sounds just wrong ?
pls enlighten.
i was asked what an
endotoxin was the day before by the usual folks i sit with in class. it's a simple question i must add, but it
wasn't the fact that there i
didn't have an answer to it. it was i had an answer which the question-er already knew. than i wondered if you know the answer why ask ? perhaps many have come across such people, perhaps even are such people, or maybe to some extend that sorta people. and it just hit mi (not literally) that perhaps there is a reason to why people like to ask questions that they already know.
the mind's ability to understand and interpret is really something which i would say no neurologist or genius has ever come to fully understand. how do so many massive electrical signals work together and form understanding, coordination etc etc. same thing how does one understand? i cant say but i do know that everyone has a level of understand. that level of understand depends really on the person's want to take steps to find out how much understand he/she can actually take. More often than not everyone can actually understand simple or even complex theories/concepts (whatever), but it
isn't how much the mind is willing to understand, is how much the person is willing to allow his/her mind to understand, to comprehend. Even if you are able to understand, it's only a partial understanding due to grey areas casted down by a certain irritant named "Doubt". Doubts are cleared really by, either asking another party whom lacks doubts, or really about finding out from source, and lastly just ignoring the doubt and going onto inflict onto yourself that what you understand is true. period.
now how does that related to why do people ask questions seemingly knowing the answer? lets just say they doubt their capability to fully comprehend their understand? or they doubt themselves. yeah, thus they always need to be validated by others whom they look up or know have greater and prior knowledge to their question. yes it sounds like a form of excuse that people would apply to just ask redundant questions. Do remember that no question is
truly redundant? A question that you know posed to you would only solidified the answer deeper into your mind and deepen your understanding. Or perhaps you might even have forgotten about the answer and due to this question resulted in you remember? but
never less, i would think these are some possibilities to it?
but yet, how can one not be weary about such people?
especially since there are a trend of people (no people named) whom have a egoistic-boasting need to ask questions only to prove people wrong, and argue to the same question which they posed to people.
never less, irritants roam the earth like the sand filling the beach. it's only if you let the sand hurt your
bare feet or enjoy the comfort of the beach as a whole.
frankly
im personally guilty of being such a person, asking a question with a rough idea of an answer. perhaps that's a case of "having expectation". but yet it's really about clearing out the doubts that one has in his/her mind. a doubt that seem to grey, yet so clear. doubt once again, the catalyse of many
disbelief's and more important the mother of all
inferiorities.
everyone has doubts in their minds i would think. question that they want answered. answers they want to fill in the blanks in their life. and perhaps with these answers move on from there and carry on. but yet some questions are tough to ask don't you think? ah, i would beg to differ cause it's actually the answer at times which is more tougher to accept. the guessing game of life often leads to a person getting comfortable with guessing the possibilities and giving up the answer as a whole.
takin that one step of faith forward already defeats half of doubt. taking the other step
infront and you have successfully moved away from the doubt that irritates you.
alright it's pretty random. was just trying to follow up on the previous dumb impulsive post.
and yes, i do have doubts about myself. more often than not it's doubts about life, and love, about God, about you, and me.
Christmas is coming. but try walking down orchard road one day, with all the lights and sounds, try to soak in the mood. cause it's tough when the people around you still look like it
isnt christmas. we should rejoice
twice as much compared to other months cause this month we celebrate the birth of the Savior. the month of which thousands of years ago that a star to shine so bright, bringing hope, joy and redemption to man kind. but yet we sulk only because we see the
singapore and us dollar going southwards. Christmas wasn't about santa claus, it's about Christ. maybe, just maybe, we should stop looking at negativeness of the worldly depression and turn our eyes heavenward and focus on the things that
wouldnt ever go southwards.
God's Love.
= )
i like this phase:
"Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step towards getting it." - MacWest (WHO THE HECK?)
i'll start off wif the word tat i so often hear and use now adays.
somtimes.
yea, sometimes i wonder why i actually write stuff here. i was reading thru my own writing and frankly i wonder. are they inspiration? are they motivational? sometimes i think everyone has self -doubt. i doubt why u do this? you doubt why you think that way? you doubt why are u like this? you doubt if u ever are walking the right path? you doubt that u did the right thing? you doubt that u have the ability? you doubt if you have the right to even try.
i hate doubt. its the perfect weapon against anyone. it nibbles away at yr soul and makes u think of possibilities. possibilities are something that could be or might not be. and with doubt has the perfect catalyze to make a possibility swing towards might not be, or cannot be. cause it induces an endogenous form of negativeness which numbs and cleaves the "positive could be" off, in your already fragile mind.
but yet i doubt i actually hate doubt. cause i actually doubt i can actually understand my doubts. cause most of these doubts aint about the doubts that are formulated but by the mother of it all. self-doubt. how ironic cause the cause of all the doubts in anyform is actually generated from your own self. your own inability to be sure of yourself. the inperfect form of yr quest to seek perfection leads to a complex of doubt.
frankly i doubt im making alot of sense also. so i too doubt u would actually make it to this line.
`LF
some times .....
sometimes is a word that i heard so often now adays. werid yet it somehow reflects how i am. i'm really just a sometimes person? sometimes im nice, sometimes im mean, sometimes im funny, sometimes im crazy, sometimes i wonder, sometimes i think, but most importantly, sometimes i guess i do say the wrong things.
often people would say "think before you speak?". lyk process thots before it comes out as words? yet i try but always failing to speak with such effectiveness? be it on the phone, be it in person, be it in email or even on this piece of digital jibberish. it's as if i havent changed since the times when i say hurtful words or speak without thinking? and ive always wondered if perhaps ive already grown out of that phase of life, grown into a phase where yr mind processes before mouth activates but i guess i'm actually pretty much still the same?
ah i really just apologize for tat stupid comment lyk that. it really did make mi feel bad, and perhaps hurt by my own actions as i could see the unhappiness on yr face.
i really do lyk to see people smile, perhaps at least i find happiness in other people's happiness. it's a pleasent feel knowing im actually slightly forgetting how to be happy and contented.
i do somehow especially find happiness seeing u smile, thus if i induce any possible unhappiness im deeply apologetic. and if u find me naggy abt such an issue, once again it's just me being the grandpa me. thus excuse me for this.
the lane up lined with candles ..
i must admit that this week has been really really crazy. not cause it's a sunday and i was only awake from 10am to 1pm. the rest of the time i was sleeping (aside from now, i just woke up an hr ago). but perhaps i'm really tired. drained and exhausted. i barely sleep 5 hrs a night and have a 16 hr day of work and study. i havent even started doing revision for any subject yet and that worries me greatly. i havent ran or worked out in 2 weeks n counting and i'm begining to feel even more sloth-like. such a life style is irritating me and getting on my nerves easily. plus somehow i have this little rage monster creeping up my spine now adays and it too worries me greatly. to sum it all up, i think my life style is farked. in addition to that i have expectations, and hopes which obviously are never gonna to materialize thus i wonder why i even have em? cause i know its nothing more than a mutual than anything. it's lyk running into a wall when u obviously know you are not gonna break it down? conclusion:dumb joshhhhh.
well, i don't have anything inspiring, motivative or spirtually uplifting to actaully talk about. this week lyk i mention above is pretty much just tiring.
but i guess saturday night was a bitter sweet feeling for my good pal Ben, n me too. it isnt easy being all sweet knowing that u'll most likely never be anything else to the girl you love than just perhaps friendss.
anyway, shout out: happy birthday Gloria.
hope the surprise was good for ya! : )
after a crappy medical microbio. lab session on saturday, Ben required the usual few to head over to his place to be butlers for his little surprised bbq for Gloria (or in terms of ben "Butt-lers") Doing the usual setting up of the bbq pit, bbq-ing of the food and ensuring that music and event went smoothly. pretty much just helping him do the tangerable stuff. and what payment of our services did we receive? glorious Chivas 18yrs and tons of other martini etc. not to mention poker night and usual nonsense that came along with it. well, eventhough it sounds so normally fun and all, i cld really feel the whole fascade coverin the actually sadness behind the whole event.
candles lining the walkway up to the pavillion where friends hide in anticipation to jump out and surprise the unsuspecting birthday girl. irritating "butt-lers" preparing food and screwing up the music-atmosphere relation. light sticks and balloons tight to the pavillion walls. it was a pretty romantic gesture i must say. the night went on and we just did our bbq-ing and usual playing poker, drinking, crapping and just totally enjoying ourselves as the birthday girl had her time in the birthday spotlight. yet something just didn't fit. was it atmosphere? was it mood? or was it cause i know even as everyone else might be happy, there might be that one person there that might not be deep inside? normally a smile on a face of a person doesnt always justify the happiness that he/she shows, it cld mean the fascade that he shows to the world to mask the hurt that eats away inside. effort always express the emotion u feel for someone? wld one agree? but logically why do u hold on only to know there's no point? cause love is one thing that redefines logic? it puts logic to shame and makes logic sound like irrtational jibberish. if you do truely love someone, even as that person shows little or lesser feel for you, you do still wish for happiness against yr own happiness for that person. a smile on a person face would be the shining light of the day and even if it kills you inside to know that the smile on the person's face is cause he/she is happy because he/she isnt beside you but with another. sacrifice often is the ultimate love one might argue, but yet it too is the most painful of love you can ever have to endure?
i'm 22 and i really don't know a whole load about love. love is the one thing that scientist, thinkers, theologians, villians, heros, vegabonds alike strive to define and understand. but mere words are impossible to define a feeling/emotion so massive. classes and catergories of it too doesn't justify it's greatness on a whole. but perhaps there is one thing that many can agree that love is something that can make the greatest of heros fall and smallest of minorities feel lyk the mightest. love is stronger than Samson and perhaps wiser than Solomon. Cause even those two require it during their course of documented existences.
and perhaps love is the one thing that every human being seeks, and hope to find, to make themselves complete once again.
